FAMILY. FRIENDS. Both are important to me but they can never replace each and other's positions. Well, I used to think that both are equally important but after through so many ups and downs i finally see why they say FAMILY is FAMILY. and of course, in my heart, FAMILY is and will always be my #1!!! ummm.... through these years i've been through alot of ups and downs but probably my friends wouldn't knw because is either they cannt sense it or they couldn't bother. And i really appreciate my FAMILY for being there for me, supporting and lifting me up from the piles of shits i'm in. smetimes i may be bad in expressing my like, appreciation but i do rmb all the little things here and there and am really grateful to sme while feeling disappointed with sme at the same time. am sorry for those that i didn't show my appreciation when they helped me alot... im just bad at expressing myself with words but am really grateful deep down in my heart. but im also disappointed with those that i thought will back me up, will fight for me and most importantly, will be there when i need them. i can understand that they maybe busy at times but i just thought that it would be better if they could at least show sme efforts in the friendships. I value any relationships, be it friendship, love-relationship or kinship. i always perceive relationships as smth like a rope with two ends. I will be holding on one end while the other partner holds on the other end. I dont like the feeling when i sense that the rope has loosen and only left me holding onto the rope. There's no point holding onto a rope when the other partner don't put in the effort. so be it whatever type of relationship, I will always be holding onto the rope till and only till when the other party loosen the rope. i wont let go unless the other party let goes. but i wont hold on when the other party has let it go too. is really saddening to see as time pass,relationships have diluted. sigh sigh. but that is perhaps the facts in life. and hence the saying, ONLY FAMILY will always be by your side, unconditionally. so i really really cherish my family. (the girl that i used to know. she is living in her glass bottle still and is trying to live back her old self. she earnestly prayed for strength and confidence. she fell but she climbed up. she is waiting.... waiting for someone to break the glass bottle and run with her. anywhere will do, as long as that someone will holds her hand, without the thought of letting it go. will that day come true...?)

sch is going to reopen soon... oh no... hectic life starting again. sian. but nope... im not going to blog about my boring mundane sch life... just sme random thoughts. hahah. I thought of this, "smiling or crying, which is harder/braver?" and my answer is smiling. crying is not a sign of weakness. crying is just a way to express the sad emotions, to relieve the stress/unhappiness build within oneself. smiling on the other hand is harder than crying because one is telling another that he is okay.. he is doing good but who knws about the real emotions within? the heart maybe hurt/crying but he still has to put up a smile when facing others. how difficult it must be for him... smiling sounds like easy task. but ask again, how many people in the world are genuinely smiling brightly? smile is braver than cry because one cannot even express his sadness out. to see if the person is smiling or crying, I think the best way would be to look into his eyes. I think eyes is the only thing that wouldn't lie. no matter how hard is someone trying to hide. the eyes would not able to tell lies. when one is happy, the eyes would smile. when one is sad, the eyes would cry. when one is scared, the eyes would be in terror. hoping that I could meet the someone who could looks into my eyes and understand how do I really felt. I realised I don't like to tell others exactly how Im feeling. is hard for me to say im not okay or break down in front of others. it would be easier if someone looks into my eyes and give me a light pat on my back and assures me "everything will be fine... is okay... im always here by your side..." another random thought. time. time is perhaps the only thing that is fair in the world. like it or not, rich or poor, everyone is treated equal. time is the most reliable way to see the true colour/nature of one. no matter how hard a person tries to act, time would tells the truth. and this is why I only believe in time. I cant tell for sure who is the right/good/reliable/sincere person but I know time would tells me who is it, that will stay by my side, through the ups and downs, who is true towards me, who is sincere, who keeps a promise that he made. time can also be a remedy. time can wash away the pain/hurt/unhappy memories/hate... time can heal the wound. but the only thing about time is that time can never remove the scars. once hurt, wounds can be healed, people can forgive but like the scars, people cannot forget. everything can be buried deep down but one would still remember about the past. to make oneself feels better, one should learn how to touch the scars and smile at how foolish/brave one used to be. that's only when u can really let go of the bitterness and move on. life is a lesson for one to learn and realise, to face and overcome...

yay... its 2014! a brand new year!!! bye to 2013~~~ ok.... so frm NOW is really a fresh start... hah. as the new year approach, I guess is time to recall what have I been doing for last yr... is only when i look back then i would realise what i had missed out and what should be corrected. well... generally 2013 is better than 2012, I guess is mainly because there's no more daunting exams like the big alevels. eewww.... *shiver* though I have to admit that I spent most of the time rotting and wasting my life away but it is a good break for me... to calm down and regain back confidence/courage. Is good to have that plenty of time thinking about LIFE. life.... I didn't knw before that I could be so carefree... despite the carefreeness, im still worried that this happiness would not last long and I would be hit back with reality again. though there were some achievements unlocked, I always believe is because of lady luck by my side and im grateful for that. really grateful. when sch started, I was still panicking of how a uni life would looks like... everyone is there to study, all mature, all drive to graduate. I have to admit is abit intimidating to enter a uni life for me... because I literally knows no one there in my course... and theres no one I could turn to if I need any help. but thankfully, I met some good friends and my uni life is getting better with stronger friendship forged. times could be hard in uni, when the deadlines for assignment/projects are nearing, tests/exams... all these are the stresses I faced for the past sem, I knw theres no way out of these and I knw I chose this path, so all I could do is to give my best. the sch is really competitive.... but I just tried my best to survive, with the support frm family/friends and myself. finally... a sem, which seems mre like a month, had past... my hardwork had been paid off and I survived through. sometimes I seriously wonder how could I have been through and overcome all these odds. and I believe is none other than miracles. luck. been always waiting for my miracles and im afraid at times what if my miracles have all been used up? so.... I managed to build some self confidence in myself. I realised, everything depends on one's mindset/attitudes/believes. if one believes he can and preserve on, he really can. I hope I don't rely on my lucks anymore. but ability. one never knows what he is capable of unless he gave the best shot, right? luck doesn't exist in fact. and I knw why the door within me wouldn't open. is because the door is waiting to be opened from the outside, by the correct person. it cannt open by itself. I wouldn't want to open the door again. I will wait patiently for the right person... (is always when u thought is the right one and then proves that is not..hmm...)but still... I would be a strong gal and smile brightly despite of whatever setbacks and challenges. my new year wishes: 1) all my loved ones to stay healthy and happy 2) smooth and successful journey in my life 3) more meaningful friendships forged 4)hopefully a right person to open the door 5)create more happy memories 6) be myself 7)be strong 8)be happy 9)forgive and forgot 10)live.love.laugh random thoughts: im human too.. I have emotions. though I don't show doesn't means I don't feel anything. im hurt. frozen door.

back here with mre complaints. oops. but just bear with me since this is the only platform i can turn to. LOL. so... is it human nature or just me feeling guilty for being greedy? is so weird. the cycle of me wanting A then B then C and so on.... but i cant help it. i mean everyone would want for the best right? i knw in the corner of my heart im satisified with what im having now but then the thoughts of getting smth better makes me feel greedy :( but i doubt lady luck would be by my side, she seldoms appear in my life, maybe once in a blue moon.... but if.... if i could get C that would be the best thing that could ever occur in my life... i should be contented but im still hoping that i would still be able to achieve B and i swear im happy enough. promised. so pls.... lady luck or any divine... pls stand by me and make B a possible. i would be grateful for that(: for the past few years i felt i been living in a glass bottle. im able to see things so clearly like the path i should take, the future i should be aiming for... but i was trapped. not able to move out of the glass bottle. the feeling is indescrible. and the agony .________. is like i knw what i want (or at least what i should be looking for) but im not able to realise it. ppl may think im just another which is not giving in as much effort or a girl with words and no actions.... but seriously. im here trying my best with what i could. it felt as though smth is pulling me back. like shackles on my ankles and im not able to go far with it. the shackles are there beacuse i put it on unknowingly. and i lost the key to unlock the shackles. is miserable. ppl dont see the shackles but i was in pain with every step i moved. i tired to run but the shackles pulled me even tighter and the pain along too. i knw im the one to blame for putting on the shackles myself but it was as though im cursed, i couldnt resist no matter what. and i felt the running competition was unfair. everyone was running at their full speed while im still struggling with the shackles. i honestly felt contented with what i achieved because i did pushed my self to the max but i knew it was nth compared to others. the harsh reality lies there. i know that the shackles are still on my ankles now but i swear i would overcome this shit so long i was given the chance to run again. is my fault for not being strong then but i wont let history repeats again. never. hope my efforts can be seen and recognised. the chance of me reborn. im looking forward. praying that day will come eventually...pls... i used to lack the courage of standing up but im sicked and tired of it i would prove to those that stepped across me while im at the bottom, that i would stand up tall and strong soon. #i will and i must.

Back! so..... these few weeks were boring max, doing mundane chores and blah. dk how i managed to survive through :/ but somehow i kinda enjoy this dull life at the very least there aint much stress and things to contemplate on. However i realise i tend to stress over little things now and then... and i feel im wasting my every min in my life by not doing anything significant/meaningful but oh well, i cant find those meaninful things :( despite having mre free time, i didnt go out and party as often... sadded :( the only thing im looking forward to is my hol trip in june :D after all the obstacles and perserverance, the trip was finally finalised. phew. felt guilty for the bomb-like cost but was subdued by the excitement :P oopsie anyway, wanted to post alot of comments here but forgot what i wanted to expressed :/ one of it is the dissapointment i got from my surrounding friends. hais some of them are like changing too much :/ oh why~ true,steady and honest friends are so hard to find... hais. or is it just me? hmm.... there's little friends remaining that i could pour my woes on, everyone looks so superficial and fake ._____. and yes, i realise there isnt a word called "fairness" in life.... oh why (again) ok i think i've been nagging... Random thought: can someone enligten and guide me pls(:

oh yea~ so what will come has to come. have to learn how to face and live with it. this is probably a learning lesson and shall not repeat again. whenever thinking the world has come to an end, things smehow will get little better, not as bad as what was anticipated. but luck will run out soon and these "miracles" wont happen everytime without a price. and yes, will cherish all these hopes and thk god for everything(: seeing glimpse of sunlight in a dark, cloudy world meant alot. bringing in hope and confidence to the soul. life is always filled with gives and takes. things couldnt see in the past are clear now. when in the gloomy world, a small action touches one even if it seems insignificant. when one is at the peak, he seems to have everything but smehow that aint real. the big picture he sees is beautiful but superficial. thinking he got the whole world but actually he has none. when one is at the bottom, he seems to have lost all but there are always the true souls by his side. while almost everyone ignored, leaving him behind stuck in the valley, there still exists the kind souls to stretch out the few helpng hands. he gets to see those that were by his side, through the thicks and thins and is grateful for that. am starting to realise that prehaps theres no "everlasting" such word in the world. thinking relationships will last is childish. of course, that is the part and parcel of life, have to accept it. relationships include all kinds, kinship, friendship,love-couple realtionships. meh. that dosent hold long. am so dissapointed when the rope of relationship gots thinner yet nth was done about it. no point in saving a relationship when the other half had already let go the other end of the rope. real disappointed. bet the same closeness used to shared will not be the same, ever. i need a soulmate, just one, to pour all my emotions on. oh well....

after thinking through and blah i really think life is filled with ups and downs, there are happiness and sadness, gives and takes. nth u can choose to have or not. but how u want to make ur day depends on urself. felt nth is everlasting... nth... they cme and go as and when they like. u cant blame them. hais.... really feeling bored. life with mundane lifestyles. standard routines... ah..... i dk what i want and what i should do. pls enlighten me! haha!